I am writing this, cause sometimes I wonder "WHY"; Why so much pain??  Haven't I suffered long enough??  My precious boys, I love them so much; it hurts me to see them hurting.  I don't have any answers, but the Lord knows.  Sometimes I wonder if God even hears my cries;  I believe he does, and is giving me the strength to press on.  It is so exhausting to fight my eating disorder, a son who is really struggling behaviorally, and another son who just likes to irritate his brother.  The Lord knows!!  I just got them settled down its somewhat quiet, and I turn on my CD (I love music); listening to the words, and I don't know but sometimes the song just meets you where your at and it ministers to you.  Well, that is what has happened.... This is the song...

                                                                                           NEAR by Jason Crabb

How can a world so beautiful??

Be so cold, be so cruel?

Sometimes love just seems so far away.?

Suffering is no stranger here?

Breaks my heart, feeds my fear?

Trying to steal my hope, and my faith.

??But I believe when you say

??You are near, whenever I feel alone?

?I'm not on my own?

God I know I you're standing here.

You are near, when all the world seems dark?

Still I know you are the light? that will always find me here?

?You are near.??

Father we know you're here with us, ? In our tears, In this dust?

Reaching them where sometimes we just can't see. ?

You never leave, and never will

?Your love saves does not fail?

So lead us to be the hands and feet.??

Until the whole world sees??

That you near, whenever I feel alone?

I'm not on my own?

God I know your standing here.?

You are near when all the world seems dark?

Still I know you are the light? that will always find me here

? You are near??

On the cross your life was taken,?

by your death we are awakened?

We will never forsaken now

?You're alive, and hope is risen?

Heart restored and I'm forgiven

?Love is here to stay and love is here to stay.?

You are near, whenever we feel alone 

We're not on our own?

God we know your standing here.?

You are near, when all the world seems dark?

Still we know you are the light? that will always find us here?

You are near.

?You are near.

??Whenever I feel alone?

I'm not on my own?

God I know your standing here.

Thanks, Lord for sending me your words through a song, and reminding me "You are with me" even when I can't feel you.  Lord, I need your strength today more than I did yesterday.  I need your wisdom, direction, love, and most of all I need you!!!  I am sorry for the times I get so caught up with the cares of this world, and forget to take time to pray, to study your word, and mediate on your grace and mercy.  Lord, I love you!!  I want to turn to you for guidance, for the problems at hand.  I can't do this on my own, and you have let me know through this song you are near.   Lord, Thanks for sending this at just the right moment.  You are all I need!!  Please help my family to be the family you want us to be, a family that represents you, a family that can't be destroyed.  Thanks once again for reminding me You are near, even when its my darkest hour.  Thank you for your grace and mercy that you shown us.  AMEN

     I wrote this when I came home from the Recovery Recharge Retreat in Tennesse, this retreat was powerful!!  It has helped me take my recovery to the next level.  It is very exhausting, and alot of different emotions come up.  It has unburied alot I swept under the rug.  The fact is sometimes its harder to keep things hidden instead of addressing it head on.   This is the first time I have written to my inner child, and not have it be just a bunch of words...

     YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, A BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS. YOU DIDN'T DESERVE TO GO THROUGH THIS MUCH PAIN-- ESPECIALLY ALONE.

THE TORTURE YOU ENDURED AND SURVIVED; IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT--- YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL.  DON'T HANG YOUR HEAD, OR HIDE YOUR FACEFROM THIS WORLD ANYMORE.  I AM SO SORRY I HURT YOU BY LETTING OUT OUR SECRET--LETTING IT BE KNOWN; BUT FELT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.  WE NEED TO HEAL OUR DEEP WOUNDS THAT STILL CAUSE A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN.  HOLDING ONTO OUR SECRET WILL PROLONG OUR SUFFERING, ONLY TO CAUSE MORE PAIN.  THIS IS THE ONLY WAY WE WILL BE ABLE TO CHANGE INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY, SPREAD OUR WINGS, AND FLY.  THE ONLY WAY WE CAN FLY IS TO DO THIS TOGETHER; WE AREN'T ALONE, AND DON'T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE.  GOD IS HERE WITH OPEN ARMS TO HEAL OUR DEEPEST WOUNDS, GIVE US STRENGTH, DIRECT OUR PATHS.  WE NEED TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, AS GOD LOVES US.  I AM SO SORRY FOR LEAVING YOU ALL ALONE; LOCKED UP IN A COLD, DARK,AND DIRTY PIT;  IGNORING ALL YOUR CRIES OF DESPARATION FOR SOMEONE, ANYONE TO RESCUE, PROTECT, AND LOVE YOU.  NO, NOT EVEN ME; ANGER GOT AHOLD OF ME AND FEAR OF FEELING KEPT ME IN A NEVER ENDING WHIRLWIND.  I LOST ALL SENSE OF DIRECTION BY DOING IT ON MY OWN, INSTEAD OF LOOKING UP TO GOD;  CRYING OUT TO HIM; FOR HE'S THE GIVER OF PERFECT PEACE, THE MENDER OF BROKEN HEARTS.  HE WILL CARRY US WHEN WE CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER STEP.  I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT ACCEPTING YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE; SO SORRY FOR ADDING MORE PAIN, OUT OF SELFISHNESS.  I AM HERE WITH YOU NOW ;  NEVER AGAIN WILL I LEAVE YOU!!!  I AM HOPING THAT YOU CAN FIND WITHIN YOURSELF TO FORGIVE ME (IF YOU CAN'T I CERTAINLY UNDERSTAND WHY).  I KNOW DEEP DOWN LITTLE PRINCESS--THAT YOU ARE-- YOUR KIND HEART FEELS THE LOVE I SEND YOU TODAY, (SORRY IT'S TAKEN ME THIS LONG) YOU KNOW I AM HERE, NEVER AGAIN WILL I LEAVE YOU.  LET'S FIND OUR WINGS AND FLY AWAY FROM THIS I LEFT YOU YEARS AGO.  WE DON'T DESERVE TO STAY TRAPPED IN THIS AWFUL PIT.  COME OUT INTO THE DAYLIGHT-- BREATHE IN THE FRESH AIR. 

     THE ONES WHO HAVE HURT US-- BELONG SITTING IN THIS DIRTY PIT-- NOT US!!!  WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HAVE TO BE ASHAMED. WE DID NOTHING WRONG-- WE NOT TO BLAME.  WE DON'T HAVE TO CARRY THIS HEAVY BURDEN OF SHAME ONE MORE STEP.  SO FLY, FLY HIGH INTO NEW LIFE, TRUE LIFE.  HOLD MY HAND WE ARE GOING HOME, AND LET GOD HEAL ALL THE SCARS THAT HAVE BEEN OOZING FOR YEARS.  LET OUR HEALING JOURNEY BEGIN.....

     My God, I have two wonderful young boys';  the most precious gift I don't deserve.  My heart melts into joy everytime I hear "momma, I love you".  When I look into those blue eyes of theirs,when they kiss me, and hug me so tight.  It seems my troubles vanish in that moment, and nothing else matters; except their laughter, and that glow on their faces.  You know I would give them anything; i would give them the world if I could.  Gadly sacrifice everything for them, even my own life if need be.

     They bring me so much joy, oh, so much joy!!  They give me hope, give me a purpose in life, and a meaning I have nave never known before.  Surely, Lord, you have saved me through these precious boys.  Through my boys, you have made known to me "How much you really love me". 

     I am so unworthy, O God.  I feel so incapable of taking care of these precious boys', you have blessed me with.  For what can I possibly give them?  My Brokeness?  My failures?  My shameful past?  For what can I teach these boys, for I had no teacher?  How can I mold them to be the young men you want them to be?  What shall a single mom, like me pray?  Yet you gave them to me; you brought them unto my cold and shaking hands.  Surely, you must know my weakenesses, and still you gave them to me.  You also know I will callupon you to help me, and provide for the things I can't. 

     Help me, O God, heal my wounds; so I don't pass my bitterness to them.  Heal me of my insecurities, that I may teach them to have confidence.  Blot out my sins that they may not be cursed for mistakes they weren't even aware of; so they can have a wonderful future ahead of them.  Fill my heart with love, even if I am alone. How can I possibly give away that which I don't have ?  It certainly isn't easy being a single mom.  Grant me the wisdom, and strength to face a harsh world.  Help me to provide for them, and give them everything they need.  Please Lord let me know that I am not alone, for you are there beside me; and you will be their father.  These boys' are so blessed this I know, and I thank you for that you do, have done, and have in store for us.  I thank you for showing us your boundless mercy, and unceasing love. 

                                                                  THIS IS MY PRAYER

THIS IS THE CRY FROM A BROKEN HEART, FROM A MOTHER WHO ONLY WANTS THE BEST FOR THESE BOYS'.  THANKS FOR LISTENING, AND I WILL WAIT UPON YOU TO DIRECT MY PATH.  I HANG ONTO YOUR WORD THAT STATES....

They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.  Teach me Lord to wait.   Isaiah 40:31